Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
