Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
