Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
