well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
