I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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