Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
