Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
