I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize