Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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