i permit you to call me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
