I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
