If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
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at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
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I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.