youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's official drugs can't kill me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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