Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?