Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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