I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
