Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
being pregnant is like rehab
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
