I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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