It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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