just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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