I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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