I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We left the knife in your bed.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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