mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
