Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
