walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I smell like Dick and happiness
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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