How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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