i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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