We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
