the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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