Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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