Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
