After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
