So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
