I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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