I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
