I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
