I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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