oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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