If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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