I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
be right there i have to get my cape
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
