had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
