WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I AM VODKA MAN
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
