Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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