i just sent this text using only my big toe
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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