drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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