I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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