I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
