i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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