i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
