My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
