I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
