How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
