This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize