What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
