Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
