either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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