dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
only you would photoshop your dick
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
