There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
