just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
