I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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