this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
