I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Never joke about your clitoris.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
